Walking My Path

Back in November I attended the Earth Medicine Alliance's first conference. The Bay Area nonprofit is just about a year old and this was one of its first public offerings. From the moment I found its web site a few months earlier, I knew this would be a group to align myself with. But it wasn't clear until I soaked up the positive energy of that conference just how closely this group would match my values.

After feeling completely alive and juiced at the conference, I decided to attend the annual members retreat later that month. We gathered at the edge of the continent where the Pacific meets the land. On our first night, as we participated in ritual visioning, a powerful storm blew and boomed outside, punctuating our intentions. The people gathered there spoke from their hearts, sharing their hope that we can bring back an Earth-honoring culture.

I left the retreat feeling full and knowing I'd find a way to help the organization grow and thrive. And last week I was accepted as a member of the board of directors. It gives me great joy to know that working with this organization is going to allow me to connect with many more people who share my conviction that humans and nature must be reconnected. I feel, too, that I've just stepped more firmly on my path. What a fantastic feeling.

Begin Where You Are Standing

One of my most beloved teachers, Kimmy Johnson, uses the phrase "begin where you're standing" to help her students remember that where they are, what they are doing, and where they are starting from in any practice is just where they need to be.

So often we, and I include myself in this group, compare ourselves to others. I often say, "Look at that artist! She has already published a book, gotten a licensing deal, had an art show..., and what have I done?" (This, of course, is a ridiculous question. I've done a lot.)

This comparing thinking gets me nowhere. I need to take my own path, with its own twists, turns, dips, and hills. No one else has the right formula for me. The only person to consult in this matter is myself. I know best. If I listen to my body, my dreams, my psyche, my inner voice, I will know the right steps to take, which fork to follow, how far I need to climb before I stop for a breather. No one else in the entire world can know this for me, not even the teachers and artists I admire most.

This feels scary sometimes, but it is also comforting. It means that I am doing exactly what I need to do at every moment, and I am never doing anything wrong. Sure, I might step off the path now and then, but that also has it's purpose.

The Daimon

About a year ago I read James Hillman's The Soul's Code. In it, he writes about the daimon, which is a bit like a muse that stays with us throughout our life and encourages us to follow our bliss, to act on our passions. He likens it to an acorn, which needs water, light, protective soil, and loving care to sprout into a tree.

This weekend my daimon celebrated because I had an experience that reminded me just what it is I want to do in this world.

I am in a class called Consciousness & Sustainability and on Sunday our class met in a 1-acre garden in San Anselmo. I was surrounded by lizards, crows, jasmine, borage, calendula, butterflies, hummingbirds, and plot after plot of new vegetable plants. The garden is tended mainly by volunteers, and it is part of an amazing school that is 90 percent powered by the sun through a bank of solar panels. The garden feeds the students. It teaches them about nature. And it provides a sanctuary for those who want direct communion with nature's cycles.

We spent the entire day in nature. All day I breathed fresh air, felt the warm sun on my back and a cool breeze on my cheek, and interacted with silent spiders and boisterous chickens. In other words, I was in heaven.

The running commentary in my head went something like this: "I love this! This is so cool! I want to do this all the time! I can't wait to come back next week! I want to teach outside all day! I would love to teach a class in a garden!"

Even though it had been a long day and the drive was tiring, when I came home I was full of energy. I got out the reading for next week and devoured it. I want to learn all I can about permaculture and the cycles of nature and how I can bring this information to others.

And at the end of the evening, I sat down with a pad and pen and wrote down all the things I want to do when I graduate: teach, write, create art, take photographs, practice psychic work, and work with nature, ancestry, and dreams. I created a web connecting all of these pieces together, trying to come up with a cohesive answer. It was difficult because there are so many options: I could teach nature writing. I could write about psychic dreams. I could create art about ancestry and the land. The wonderful thing is, I could do all of these things because they are all connected.

While I am no clearer about what specific job I want to do when I graduate, I am crystal clear that nature and teaching absolutely must be included. And when I write that, my daimon does a little jig, happy that I am listening and helping my gift grow from an acorn into a mighty oak.

Lilacs!

I knew I wanted to photograph the lilacs blooming around the corner from my house, but it wasn't until my friend asked me to photograph lilacs for her birthday (happy birthday Lori!) that I actually got off my butt and went around the corner to do it.

I'm so glad I did. First of all, lilacs are my favorite flowers! Can you believe I would put off photographing my favorite flowers? The creative mind works in mysterious ways. Second, they were in prime bloom and they smelled amazing. It was a fabulous 20 minutes of happiness.

If you love lilacs as much as me, make sure to visit my Etsy shop...there are five different lilac photos waiting just for you.

Find Yourself and Then Be Yourself

Over the holiday break, I had time to take a long look at my life. The holiday art show season completely wiped me out. Last quarter I had no time for myself, little time for seeing friends, and I had to cram school work into every second I had left after working at the shows and my part-time job. I was stressed out and miserable. And confused.

I mean, wasn't getting into art shows supposed to be a fabulous thing? Wasn't that what I was striving for?

It might have been what I was striving for in September when I started signing up for all those fairs. And it still might have been what I was striving for in October when I had my first taste of doing a fair and kind of liked it because I saw that I could make money doing them. But by the end of the season, I was completely dead. I didn't even make it to my last show, and that was a hard decision to make. I started to feel that all-to-familiar feeling of failure creeping in. But I also saw how much I had run myself into the ground and I knew I needed a break.

So I took time to really think about what I wanted in my life and where I want to go with my artwork. And the answer was surprising...and completely obvious.

I want to be a writer, a photographer, and a mixed-media artist. I want to create books that combine these three things. I want to inspire, to show others the beauty and wisdom I find in nature. I want to do all of this in the most authentic, "me" way possible. And I want to start now.

None of that has anything to do with going to art fairs or trying to get more sales on Etsy. It really has nothing to do with making money or "turning my art into a viable business" or getting retail sales. The bottom line is, this is not about money. It's about making a difference, bringing an important message to the world, and being my authentic self without holding back.

So, I'm doing it. I'm jumping into this adventure with both feet. And I've made what for me is a terribly difficult but exciting decision, and it has several parts:

1. I am not going to do more than two fairs this year, and maybe none. (gulp)

2. I am going to write more on this blog in order to exercise my writing muscle, because

3. I am going to start writing a book.

Yes, you read right. I'm getting back into the writing world. Even though I have a lot of trauma related to the children's book I published, I am going to get back on that horse. And I am going to ride that horse into a glorious sunset with fairies and birds flying around me and sparkles and rainbows. Oh yes.

This decision makes my Should, that unbearable task-master side of myself, squirm in desperation. She can see she's losing the battle this time. I can no longer listen to her demands, because the demands of my soul are so much louder now. And I know I have the strength now to listen to my soul.

So, all of this means I am going to spend more time meditating, walking and sitting in nature, painting, and writing than prepping for art shows and updating my Etsy shop and trying to market myself. I never liked any of that anyway. It feels good to declare that!

I hope you will all come along for the ride. It's going to be a magical adventure.