Post-Conference Reflections

Experiment with Lensbaby...see more at my Flickr

I've been back for nearly two weeks, and I am in awe of how the dream conference shifted my consciousness. I had an inkling before I left that something major would happen in Chicago, but I tried not to think about it while I was there lest I find significance in irrelevant things like how the waiter folded my napkin on the third night. I believe looking for synchronicity is a fine art, one that takes discrimination (although, I suppose one could argue there is significance in everything!).

The more I think about what message the conference brought to me, the more I see two clear themes emerge: I need to make my health my priority, and I need to stop hiding myself and my talents.

About my health: I had one of the most challenging weekends I've had in a long time this past weekend, experiencing pain that had me in bed for two days. I have avoided Western doctors for four years and yesterday, on the recommendation of a friend, I finally sat down and made the call. I have an appointment tomorrow. I'm a bit scared and I am trying not to let my past experiences color what I have in store for me. My hope is that I will get questions answered and that there is help for me that doesn't just include taking medications or getting surgery. I want to get to the core of the problem and take measures to truly heal it and prevent it from returning.

Making that phone call felt monumental. It tells me I am finally ready to take care of myself, that I am finally ready to listen to the signals my body and my dreams send me regularly. I tend to punish my body and I've started to wonder where I think that will get me. It deserves my respect and attention.

About sharing my talents: This is a recurring theme for me. I tend to make myself small, something I learned growing up. But all the messages in the last two weeks have been to ignore that urge and to instead be BIG. To bravely put myself and my talents out there. And to stop apologizing for who I am, hiding who I am, and feeling I am not good enough. I am good enough. People do want to hear what I have to say, and they want to see what I create.

As a result of this revelation, I am even more firm about my conviction to send some of my children's manuscripts back out to publishers. In a month I'll receive the brand new edition of the Children's Writers and Illustrator's Market and right now I'm polishing three manuscripts so they'll be ready to send when the Market arrives in the mail. Look how far I've come. Four years ago, I dissolved my contracts with my old publisher and I began a downward spiral, believing my career as an author was caput. This rebirth feels scary and painful and absolutely wonderful.

Dream Conference Memories: Day One

I stepped onto the shuttle bus, not sure what awaited me during my five-day stay in Chicago. Butterflies danced in my stomach, making me fidget. Then a friendly woman joined me on the bus. "Are you a dreamer?" she said. And that's when I knew this trip was going to rock.

It's also when the synchronicities began. Sue, the friendly woman I met on the bus, lives in Minnesota, land of my ancestors and a place that's been at the forefront of my consciousness. It's no wonder we hit it off immediately. I mentioned my presentation, and when she found out the topic was animals and dreams, our rapport grew.

On that same bus I met Peter, a quirky dreamer who joined me for dinner at the hotel restaurant the first evening. We shared dream and life stories and it turned out his wife is doing the same allergy-elimination therapy I am. Another coincidence.

And so it went for the entire conference. If I was brave enough to be myself and talk to perfect strangers (something I do not normally do), it meant I opened myself up to interesting conversations and connections. I'm happy to say, for the most part, I was brave enough, and that means I made many new friends.

That night, at the opening reception, I realized I have joined a tightly knit community of intelligent, fun, friendly people. The founders share friendships that are apparent and their love of dreams has not dissipated over the last 25 years. These are my kind of people: men and women who share a fascination with dreams, the unconscious, myth, archetype, the Earth, art, and psi. I felt I was in my element, free to be myself. What could be better?

The Dark Place Where the Roots Dwell

"I believe working in the shadow/in the dirt is the most important thing that people can do to find their way in this world, for without healing the soil, there will not be a supportive container for their dreams. It is in this dark place where the roots dwell, which seems scary/dirty/other but actually harbors life and nutrients, that we can find our true purpose."

(Excerpted from a paper I wrote this quarter about mushrooms.)

Cracking the Shield

I know you've been here before. We all have, I suspect. Feeling afraid to reach out, but also scared to stay inside yourself. The critical moment when, to paraphrase Anais Nin, staying closed like a bud is too painful.

I have been hurt. Hurt because I have chosen to stand my ground, to do what I think is right. This is not just with one person, but with several, and it has all happened in the course of a couple weeks. These situations have affected me more deeply than before because of the work I'm doing at school. I can see the many ramifications of these interactions, the ways I reacted and could have reacted. I can see the way what happened affects my energy. And I can see how I try to just keep it all inside because that feels safer. I'm beginning to suspect that this method is not going to work for me anymore.

But, even though I recognize the need for change, I am still terrified of making that change. I feel like I'm standing out at the extreme edge of a not-so-strong branch and any movement could knock me off. I am alone out here on this limb.

But what I have forgotten to do is look back, to see all the friends who have climbed the tree with me and are behind me. And I have also forgotten to look down to see all the friends who are waiting to catch me if I fall. The people in and around my tree have kept me going.

I am a pretty private person, even though I share my life online. This can often seem like a safer arena for sharing my feelings than face to face with someone. I'm working on cracking the shield I have around my heart to let a little more love and support in. I'm sure that I have only the slightest idea how amazing life could be without this barrier. And I am willing to try to get there.

The Best Bits

brand new print for sale in my Etsy shop

When I look at the picture of this old, twisted tree, I think of my true self. I am full of personality, unique quirks and knots, just like this tree. And because of those quirks and knots, I am utterly beautiful. I am no longer ashamed of these bits of myself, but instead, I honor them, for they are the bits that make me into who I am.

I've been afraid to let these bits show, but I'm not as scared as I once was. I can feel them emerging, slowly, like a butterfly gently easing out of its cocoon.