Cracking the Shield

I know you've been here before. We all have, I suspect. Feeling afraid to reach out, but also scared to stay inside yourself. The critical moment when, to paraphrase Anais Nin, staying closed like a bud is too painful.

I have been hurt. Hurt because I have chosen to stand my ground, to do what I think is right. This is not just with one person, but with several, and it has all happened in the course of a couple weeks. These situations have affected me more deeply than before because of the work I'm doing at school. I can see the many ramifications of these interactions, the ways I reacted and could have reacted. I can see the way what happened affects my energy. And I can see how I try to just keep it all inside because that feels safer. I'm beginning to suspect that this method is not going to work for me anymore.

But, even though I recognize the need for change, I am still terrified of making that change. I feel like I'm standing out at the extreme edge of a not-so-strong branch and any movement could knock me off. I am alone out here on this limb.

But what I have forgotten to do is look back, to see all the friends who have climbed the tree with me and are behind me. And I have also forgotten to look down to see all the friends who are waiting to catch me if I fall. The people in and around my tree have kept me going.

I am a pretty private person, even though I share my life online. This can often seem like a safer arena for sharing my feelings than face to face with someone. I'm working on cracking the shield I have around my heart to let a little more love and support in. I'm sure that I have only the slightest idea how amazing life could be without this barrier. And I am willing to try to get there.

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