It came back. The cyst came back. In the same place, the same size, just two months after the surgery to remove the last one. I sit in disbelief, wondering what else my body wants to tell me, what else I need to learn from this situation. I thought I'd already tackled the issues and come out triumphant!
I can't concentrate at work. I feel defeated. I feel angry.
Luckily, the cyst doesn't require surgery like the last one -- yet. Instead, I have to go on the pill to try to shrink it and to prevent ovulation, which will hypothetically prevent more cysts from forming.
Although I'm glad surgery is not imminent, I'm unhappy about going on the pill. The last time I took it I was depressed, anxious, had no interest in sex, gained weight, and felt nauseous each morning. But I'm not sure there is an alternative. And I don't want to be in pain anymore. Which is worse? Pain or side effects? It's a difficult choice to make. Further, none of the options are that appealing. I'm in the first few days of taking the medication and I have no idea what is in store: manic depressive mood swings? Nausea? Headaches? Racing heart? Hopefully none of the above.
I'm scared. Scared that the cyst could burst at any minute, which is a possibility. Scared that the pill won't help. Scared that I'll have to have surgery again and maybe have the ovary removed as a last resort. Fear has won this round.
But, in my better moments I am hopeful. I can see that this is another opportunity for growth, another moment to stop and evaluate, another time to reach out for the support surrounding me. I know that I will make it through this. I have many tools at my disposal: dreamwork, intuitive work, and many healing practitioners amongst my friends who can help. I'm grateful for that. At least I have that.
